I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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