Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
