she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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