I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
