Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
