Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just pee around me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
