I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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