If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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