We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
