Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
