If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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