Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
