He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
