I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
