Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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