Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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