so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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