Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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