it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize