I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
