I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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