are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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