The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
