Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm like, not good at living.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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