My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
