A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Princesses don't give blow jobs
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
