the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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