I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
