Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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