Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
