My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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