Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
