i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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