remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
