My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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