I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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