I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize