his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
