WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
