is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
