Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
