i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
