I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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