she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
