Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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