I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
