Can i not drive my cunt home
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
