I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
