Someone shit on the floor
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
