Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
