I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think I sprained my soul last night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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