there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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