I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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