God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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